(SEX) Proper Etiquette In the Bedroom

When we talk about sex, there are no rules or restrictions, its all free game here at Zombies and Freaks. After all, it’s in the way of life, the inadvertent slip of the tongue, the innocent stare as we pass by a beautiful stranger on the street. It’s on magazine covers, television screens everywhere, it’s in celebrity gossip, it’s just plain all around us. And yes, as the human condition dictates, we crave SEX.

Guys, your best accessory is your rock hard wood; Dolls, lingerie is your boiling point (besides meowing the calculated bedroom eyes at your prey).

It’s just you and lover – i.e. playmate, soul-mate, fuck-buddy, one-night stand, whatevs – you get the idea.

You’ve showered and your candles are lit, right? You have a top-notch playlist thumping softly in the background, and your scent (which hopefully lover goes ga-ga for), should be very present. If you’re going to your lover’s house for a date, this tip should stay solid; the best sex comes from our mental state of mind – where your head’s at is where your orgasm‘s at (thank you Dr. Drew!)

Eye contact in the bedroom will probably make or break your experience. Dewy, smudged eyeliner with a hint of your favorite eye shadow, eyes are the key to sex appeal. Your powder, blush and even your hot red lipstick will probably smudge off a bit, but if your eye makeup stays, holy sexy. Your foreplay hair should be on the brink of wild, so lover wants to reach up under and grab it the way you like it.

Heels seem to be a hot ticket for us guys. They plump up your posture and ass and get you feeling sexy walking around like the beautiful minx that you are. Wear heels before you dip out to lover’s crib or before they enter our bedroom. It will drive your man crazy.

Here's a little check list I've made next time your getting your horizontal boogie on:

1. Breath must be fresh. Make sure nothing is stuck between your teeth. Flaunt your wicked and sultry smile, with a dash of high gloss on your lips.

2. Dolls, you don’t have to match your lingerie. Mix it up! This gives lover an opportunity to see your creative side. Creative get up = great sex. Give lover a live slide-show of yourself, like Dita Von Teese would.

3. Guys, don’t wear torn boxers! Show lover your good wood in a handsome pair.

4. If you need to use the restroom, do this pre-hump time. Nothing kills it more than being in the middle of foreplay and suddenly potty time!

5. Lovers, don’t limit yourself to a bed. Think up creative nooks to bend lover over, then spank or insert, but always make sure that nook is sturdy.

6. Use what you have on in your foreplay routine. Teasing lover only makes lover wild – beautiful lingerie is a perfect segway for this.

7. Necklaces (that fall nicely on your tits), bangles (to make a pretty sound while you hold the headboard in doggy style), and long-drop earrings (to accentuate your neck while you’re on top) look killer on a woman. Don’t get tangled, and avoid chunky rings so you don’t hurt the wood while blowing.

8. Try to keep your heels on for as long as you can.We have faith, ladies. Make it happen!

9. Whether it’s casual sex or not, stay put for a minute after your mind-blowing orgasm. If lover opts for exiting to the bathroom right away, who cares? At least you know you can carry a beat post-bang session, and this will leave you smiling.

10. Don’t be shy, you have nothing to lose. Even if it’s just whispering dirty talk, go for it. Some people freeze up and get embarrassed in the moment of truth and passion, but if the fantasy you want to explore doesn’t suit lover, at least you now know and can formulate a new one.

11. If the theme of bang night is to role play, do it convincingly. There’s nothing worse than leaving a bad impression if you don’t go all the way. Plan it out perfectly and remember, the more vocal you are, the better the experience.

Now, time to get dressed!

AUTHOR: Ru18 Los Angeles, 2011